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Daily Archives: November 19, 2016

Unapologetically Me

unapologeticallyThis past year has been full of changes, struggles and soul searching. It was quite possibly the best year of my life.  And, here’s why:

I’ve learned to forgive …

I’ve forgiven myself for not being the perfect wife.

I’ve forgiven myself for not being the perfect friend.

I’ve forgiven myself for not being the perfect neighbor.

I’ve forgiven myself for not being the perfect hostess.

I’ve forgiven myself for not being the perfect guest.

I’ve forgiven myself for not saying the perfect thing.

I’ve forgiven myself for not having the perfect body.

I’ve forgiven myself for not having perfect hair or skin.

I’ve forgiven myself for not having perfect jewelry or clothes.

I’ve forgiven myself for not having a perfect lifestyle.

I’ve forgiven myself for not being liked by everyone.

I’ve forgiven myself for not liking everyone.

I’ve forgiven myself for making mistakes … lots of them.

I’ve forgiven myself for having an opinion.

I’ve forgiven myself for openly expressing those opinions.

I’ve forgiven myself for being passionate.

I’ve forgiven myself for being unpredictable, scattered, and spontaneous.

I’ve forgiven myself for wanting to engage in deep and meaningful conversations with others.

I’ve forgiven myself for wanting to engage in silly and meaningless conversation with others.

I’ve forgiven myself for being self-introspective, ideological, and actually believing I have a purpose in this world.

I’ve forgiven myself for not knowing exactly what my purpose is in this world.

I’ve forgiven myself for making life-altering changes to discover my purpose in this world.

I’ve forgiven myself for searching for symbolism in everyday events… it fuels my passion and excitement in life.

I’ve forgiven myself for trusting and acting upon my instincts.

I’ve forgiven myself for wanting to live a meaningful life.

I’ve forgiven myself for expressing my hopes, dreams and passions.

I’ve forgiven myself for being honest and true to myself.

I’ve forgiven myself for showing others my true and honest self.

I’ve forgiven myself for enjoying this journey in life and not knowing where it will take me… but, knowing it will be great.

I’ve forgiven myself for not doing all of the above sooner.

I’ve forgiven myself. ***

I’ve forgiven myself for being imperfect.

I’ve accepted myself for all that I am, for all that I believe, and for all of my imperfections.

I’ve embraced being a perfectly imperfect and unique individual … and I will no longer apologize for that.

It’s so liberating to know and accept exactly who I am and to finally listen to and trust myself. I’m free from the gut-wrenching worry and notion that I have to live my life in order to please others.  I’m no longer reliant upon anyone else or anything to prove my worthiness.

Finally, I embrace my mistakes and fumbles and see them as growing pains… not death sentences.

I’ve learned that my weaknesses are also my best assets: intuitive; quirky; expressive; awkward; passionate; compassionate; unique; opinionated; silly; introspective.

This newly found liberty has allowed me to open myself up to many wonderful new people and experiences. I’ve formed new open, honest, and meaningful friendships that I could not have possibly had if I was not honest with myself.  No doubt they would still have been my friends, as they are amazing women, but, if I wasn’t honest with myself, I would not have built the deep connections I now have with them.

In fact, it all started about two years ago, when I kept having re-occurring dreams.  The dream was of us (my family of three) living in a new home where we were completely happy. In the dreams, this place felt like a Utopia and it was very euphoric.

I acted upon my instinct. The place we had called home for 10 years no longer felt like home.  It was time for us to move on and find our hearts in a new place.  So, I urged my husband to agree on searching for a new home.  Shortly after our search began, we found a house we loved in a place we could call home.  So, we ended up right around the corner from where I grew up as a teenager. It is a place of beauty and a place I have always found strength in during hard times.  Once we moved into our house, the feeling of being home was real and immediate.

Although we found our true home, and I met wonderful new friends… something still didn’t feel authentic. I knew it was my career. It no longer suited me, my lifestyle, or, my passion for doing something more meaningful.

I took a leap of faith and quit my job. It was not ideal … it was a sacrifice of losing some income.  However, I did not feel guilt … and I have never questioned my decision.  That’s a sign that it was the right choice.

Through all of these great changes, no longer do I constantly look back and feel utter remorse over my mistakes…no longer do I constantly replay every social interaction while desperately searching my memory for something I said or did that could have been frowned upon by others.

Now, I’m eager to move forward and take on life’s joys and battles, armored in my own self-knowledge and worthiness.

January 2017 marks the last year of my life as a thirty-something.  I am not scared, sad or apprehensive that I am leaving another decade of my life.   Instead, I am comforted, ecstatic and empowered knowing that I’ll be entering my forties with confidence and knowledge of exactly who I am … eagerly waiting to find out what I can do.

Unapologetically.

 

*** (Please note I have not forgiven myself for not being the perfect mother. I am constantly questioning if I’m a perfect parent for my son or if I could have done something better to make him more confident, successful or happy. I’m not sure, but… is that part of being a mother?  I may need to write a separate post on that, as that is a constant worry for me.  I love my boy sooo much!!).